Let's Talk About Sex... And Relationships

Bearing it all.

The good, the bad and the heartbreaking.

To be honest, I have been on the fence in deciding to share my history with sex and relationships with you all. As part of discovering my voice, and by doing so having a platform to share my truth, it has been incredibly therapeutic for me coming to terms with my own story.

In my journey to improve my own self-esteem, confidence and body image, I have been able to reflect on my past with so much clarity to take lessons and learnings to guide me forward in the decisions I make for myself.

The below details are very personal and I am willing to share in hopes my realizations and conclusions can help others in becoming more aware to avoid going through the same pain.

The below covers sexually explicit information which may be difficult to read.

Please use your best discretion before reading on.

Relationships

Looking back at my life and with the clarity I have gained, I now can come to terms with the decisions I made and the situations I found myself in. I understand now, that the impact of having poor self esteem and body image resulted in me engaging in very unhealthy relationships romantically and socially.

It is stated that poor body image can result in things like...

Low self-esteem (check) 

Putting life on hold (check)

Poor relationships (check)

Employment loss 

Mental illness

Dangerous eating disorders (check)

Suicide or self-harm (check)

And, yep... I am checking off 5 out of the 7 listed. My story is one like so many others where we can look back and start checking off the list. As I have talked about a couple topics earlier on my blog, today's deep dive is on relationships... and sex.

Before I get too ahead of myself, let's go back a bit further to when I was just a 10 year old kid. Realizing I was the chubby girl after being reminded by school yard bullies resulted in me trying to find my way into being accepted by poking fun at myself. Humor seemed to be the best way for me to not feel the pain of being picked on for being a few extra pounds fluffier. In desperate attempts to encourage others to laugh with me and not at me actually drew even more attention to my insecurities, becoming an even easier target.

If I poked fun at my body, for the sake of them laughing at it and not me as a person, then maybe it would hurt less. But instead I discounted me as a whole person just for the payout of the possibility that others would accept me.

What? The t-shirt I found with an illustration of a fluffy bunny and crooked teeth quoting "I am not fat, I am just fluffy" wouldn't work to distract others from truly how fluffy I was in human form? Or, making others laugh by doing the truffle shuffle and other iconic fat-person acts some how didn't keep me from getting bullied? Yes. Are you smacking your forehead right now in disbelief? Don't worry, I don't blame you. I now can confidently say that this was in a way an early sign that there was a major disconnect to how I should have felt about my changing body, and that those whom I desperately tried to get acceptance from were really not worth putting myself through shame to attract. This all comes to a much happier ending. I promise. But now, let's keep diving in.

Pleasure is all... yours?

For many years I overcompensated for not being the quintessential pretty girl by becoming the agreeable, people pleasing, over-achieving Yes-Girl. I constantly gave parts of me away without any regard to my value because I didn't see it in myself. This came in forms of loaning money, being at someone's disposal at all times, giving up my spot in line for things that mattered to me, or even sexual favors. I was dependable, kind and caring of others to a fault, and those that sought to gain something from me used it all to their advantage. And I allowed it. Time and time again.