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Thriving in My Sexy Fatness: How a Curvy Woman Reclaimed Her Sexiness for No One Else but Herself

Updated: Feb 19

Being told you have a "pretty face" as a chubby girl or as an aging plus-sized woman, you eventually realize the message repeated to you is that because of your oversized, rounded figure only your face could be the attractive quality you possess [insert eye roll here]. Or, how about pursuing dating? When social friends make comments like "Just swipe right on him! You can't afford to be picky" you are reminded that a woman of my size couldn't possibly have standards otherwise she will be alone forever [insert angry red faced emoji here]. I could share endless commentary I have received over all of my curvy years.

Floral Sheer Crop Top: Torrid
Photographer: Suma Jane Dark (Deep Magic Boudoir). Hair & Make-Up: Jodi Vaughn

If you have read a couple of my blog posts by now, you know about my journey in releasing the power that decades of body image issues and self-hate used to hold over me. With that freedom, I gained a clearer perspective in looking back on some of the decisions I made throughout my life. Relationships I chose to get into. Men I fell for. "Friends" I surrounded myself with.

I understand now looking back with this perspective that I feared so much of being the single fat woman forever that I dropped my standards and my self-worth heartbreakingly low.

I allowed other people, especially men, to treat me horribly giving them a pass at every opportunity because I was afraid to be alone, unaccepted, not needed. And the sex? Was it satisfying, passionate, giving, honest and full of love? Of course not. But, was I able to say I was getting some? Sure. Was I truly happy? No, but I didn't understand that then. Now, I understand that I allowed myself to treat myself this way.

As I started to form ideas on what I wanted to experience and then share with you here, I knew I wanted to do something bold. Not just for the outcome of a blog post, but something that could take me on a life altering journey. Something that would strengthen my confidence and unleash a part of me maybe that I didn't even know I had in me.

Photographer: Suma Jane Dark (Deep Magic Boudoir). Hair & Make-Up: Jodi Vaughn

On a moment while going through the drawer of files of past relationships in the library of my mind, I noticed a pattern.

1) I have never been told by a man I was involved with that he thought of me as sexy

2) I never could look at myself and think 'sexy'... maybe moments where I thought 'kinda sexy for a big girl', but definitely not "hell yea, I'm sexy AF as a woman, period"

3) I hinged how I saw myself as a sexual being by waiting for the opposite sex to tell me that I was

I remembered on my former 'When I'm Skinny, I Will..." list in the back of my mind (don't worry - that list has been blown to smithereens) I had always wanted to do a boudoir photo shoot for my significant other.

But today,